Probably that person you passed on the street thinking the same things you wonder about.

That Downward Spiral

Explorations of Beauty and Decay

My mind has been the center of a whirl wind of worry. Although it is no where near where it once was, my anxieties are still nagging at me every waking moment. I keep trying to push through and present this facade of cool, calm and collected but it is not satisfying. It does not help nor does it alleviate the pressures I put on myself. A certain level of worry is good but I never seem to quite grasp the balance.

When my worries start, they do not stop until they consume me. They make me sick, tired and they drain me emotionally. Living with this kind of generalized anxiety about anything and everything is exhausting and leads to other self destructive behaviors. When you over-worry you begin to crave control. You realize you cannot realistically control the things around you so you turn it inward. You restrict your eating and convince yourself you are making a “healthy” life change. The only problem is that the more you feel out of control the less you eat. Then when you realize you are so hungry you can barely function? You binge, you eat everything. This cycle happens again and again and again.

Suddenly, that level of control is not enough and you spiral. You drink and drink. You date this person, hook up with that person. Nothing, no relief. You realize nothing works to relieve the pressure or pain and nothing makes you forget. Flashbacks start and the things that happened so many years ago haunt me until I just cannot deal with the thoughts anymore. I’ve spent the entirety of my life trying to avoid facing the abuse I faced as a child. Things that should never happen to anyone. Sometimes the memories and thoughts are so overwhelming they make my mind shut down and I fall into an autopilot state.

The facade starts to crack and people start asking:

What’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you sure everything is fine, you seem different.

Yes. Yea, of course I am. Everything is fine I’m just really tired. Didn’t get enough sleep last night. 

That is my cue that I need to put myself together because people are noticing. I cannot have people see me. This is when I close my eyes, breathe in and lock all my emotions in a box and put it in the back of my mind. I push it down, shake it off, try to forget and put a smile on my face. If I fake it long enough, it almost feels real.

If you ask people who see me everyday, they will tell you that I am a cheerful and playful person. I am very honest and sarcastic but I always help out with a big smile on my face. I take pride in what I do and I seem to thoroughly enjoy my life. No one would ever think that horrible things have happened to me. No one would ever think that I struggle with the things I struggle with. No one would ever think that I wonder every day if I am really worth it.

I am a person who lives in constant fear. A person who desperately craves stability and security. I am a person who looks in the mirror and hates what I see. I am a person who does not feel life is entirely worth living.

Something I will say is that I know I am a fighter. The fact I am still here and writing this proves that. I am someone who will not give up on life just because things are shit. I am a person who recently discovered hope is a real thing.

That may seem obvious to some people and I want you to know you are incredibly blessed if you don’t know what hopelessness feels like. You are the type of person that I see and I want what you have.

I am not telling you this because I want your pity. If that is what you thought, please punch yourself in the throat. I just want anyone else who feels this way to know they are not alone. If just one person in the entire world reads this and it somehow helps that would be enough for me.


Am I Spiritual or Religious?


Right off the bat, I would like to set the record straight before anyone jumps to conclusions. I will not force anything on you. I feel that what you believe is a highly personal process.

I’m sure everyone has a different opinion on the whole spirituality versus religiosity debate but that’s not what I want to focus on. For the purpose of this blurb, the religious aspect is referring more to the rituals and traditions associated with the belief system and the spiritual side encompasses the actual beliefs that one can hold. I hold certain religious beliefs but I feel my relationship with the God of my understanding is more of a spiritual in depth connection.

Okay, I’m sure someone out there has an opinion and feel free to express that opinion in the comments. I enjoy different opinions. It keeps me from being ignorant on a subject. There is always something to be learned.

It has taken me a while to come to the conclusion I have just shared. It was confusing to me at first because I had always felt disconnected from my religion. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t experiencing or feeling the things my fellow brothers and sisters were feeling. I thought I was doing something wrong or that maybe my religion wasn’t “working”.
I don’t know if anyone has ever felt that way but it’s isolating and lonely. When the foundations of what you believe are tested, it is a life-changing experience because a. You come out with a greater understanding, enlightened in a way or b. You give up and look for answers elsewhere.

In my life, I have gone full circle. I grew up in an overly religious home with strict tyrannical rules on how to behave, what to think and how to feel. As I entered adolescence, I began to question EVERYTHING. The answers I wanted no one could provide and the more questions I asked the more people pushed me away. I gave up. I stayed this way for many years, wandering and searching for answers and purpose. As I entered adulthood things suddenly began to click. I began to find answers to the things I was searching for. I had a found a place that understood me and was able to guide me in an open, accepting way. Not once did they try to change me or tell me how I had to be. I finally felt that spiritual connection I had longed for and it took leaving behind rituals and traditions that held no meaning for me and focus on expanding my understanding of what I believe.

I’m not saying spirituality or religiosity is for everyone but I do believe that everyone needs something to believe in.

“I Lived Rearranging Chairs On The Titanic”


Sometimes I find myself wanting to control things that are obviously beyond what I can control. I want others to treat me a certain way, I want things to happen the way I planned, I want to know what’s going to happen if I make this one choice versus another. I live rearranging things in my life that were never mine to arrange. It’s setting myself up for failure. I don’t know why I do it, it’s an automatic reflex. Then I get overwhelmed and angry and frustrated because things are not the way I want them.

Recently, I’ve had to just let go and let things happen at their own pace. I spent so much time trying to make everything go the way I had planned that I had forgotten that the journey is what makes the destination worth it. I lost sight of the fact that life is a process! I know it seems obvious but really… think about that and let it sink in.

When was the last time I did something for no other reason than just because it was fun and I enjoyed it? I found myself realizing that it had been years since my “fun” was actually fun. I noticed that things seemed like a huge responsibility that for some reason always fell on my shoulders.

That was my call to action. It was convicting to see that my life was not being lived to its full potential. I was denying myself of so many beautiful experiences that I may never have the opportunity to experience again. Not anymore.

I’ve made this choice: I will live my life, one day at a time, one moment at a time, enjoying everything as it was meant to be enjoyed not worrying about tomorrow’s worries because what if I never make it to tomorrow? I wasted the time I did have worrying about the time I may or may not have.

How About That Wedding!


My uncle just re-married this past weekend and it made me take a step back and honestly ask myself want I want. He was in a fairly unhappy marriage for 20+ years and now he met this woman, who seems to be his other half. I have never seen him as happy and in love as he’s been since he met his new wife. It’s weird how life works out. You think you have all these things figured out and meticulously planned to the last detail only to have things change at the drop of a hat. It makes you question if you are settling in life rather than going out to get what will truly make you happy.

Just So You Know What You’re Getting Here

The More You Know

I enjoy writing but I’m not exactly J.K Rowling or John Greene here. I am semi-decent at getting the point across and less than eloquent. When you’ve had a life like mine, you have a lot to say and not many people to say it to so, lucky you. You’ve stumbled across this and you are that person I’ll be talking to. No one may ever see this and that’s okay too but it’d be cool if what I had to say was out there. Maybe it’ll help someone… maybe it’ll ruin your day. I’m not sure, that only effects you so therefore I will forever be unaware of the effects I have.

I jump around from point to point yet somehow I manage to make sense so bear with me and you’ll get the swing of things. I am quite wordy as you can tell and I write in my own style of voice. If you read through this in a monotonous voice, you’re doing it wrong. Go back this instant and read it with attitude and sass. Perhaps in a British accent if you’re feeling fancy?

All I know for sure right now is that this is going to be an interesting little something and I’d like to see where this could go.

Lets get started? Yes, lets.

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