My mind has been the center of a whirl wind of worry. Although it is no where near where it once was, my anxieties are still nagging at me every waking moment. I keep trying to push through and present this facade of cool, calm and collected but it is not satisfying. It does not help nor does it alleviate the pressures I put on myself. A certain level of worry is good but I never seem to quite grasp the balance.
When my worries start, they do not stop until they consume me. They make me sick, tired and they drain me emotionally. Living with this kind of generalized anxiety about anything and everything is exhausting and leads to other self destructive behaviors. When you over-worry you begin to crave control. You realize you cannot realistically control the things around you so you turn it inward. You restrict your eating and convince yourself you are making a “healthy” life change. The only problem is that the more you feel out of control the less you eat. Then when you realize you are so hungry you can barely function? You binge, you eat everything. This cycle happens again and again and again.
Suddenly, that level of control is not enough and you spiral. You drink and drink. You date this person, hook up with that person. Nothing, no relief. You realize nothing works to relieve the pressure or pain and nothing makes you forget. Flashbacks start and the things that happened so many years ago haunt me until I just cannot deal with the thoughts anymore. I’ve spent the entirety of my life trying to avoid facing the abuse I faced as a child. Things that should never happen to anyone. Sometimes the memories and thoughts are so overwhelming they make my mind shut down and I fall into an autopilot state.
The facade starts to crack and people start asking:
What’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you sure everything is fine, you seem different.
Yes. Yea, of course I am. Everything is fine I’m just really tired. Didn’t get enough sleep last night.
That is my cue that I need to put myself together because people are noticing. I cannot have people see me. This is when I close my eyes, breathe in and lock all my emotions in a box and put it in the back of my mind. I push it down, shake it off, try to forget and put a smile on my face. If I fake it long enough, it almost feels real.
If you ask people who see me everyday, they will tell you that I am a cheerful and playful person. I am very honest and sarcastic but I always help out with a big smile on my face. I take pride in what I do and I seem to thoroughly enjoy my life. No one would ever think that horrible things have happened to me. No one would ever think that I struggle with the things I struggle with. No one would ever think that I wonder every day if I am really worth it.
I am a person who lives in constant fear. A person who desperately craves stability and security. I am a person who looks in the mirror and hates what I see. I am a person who does not feel life is entirely worth living.
Something I will say is that I know I am a fighter. The fact I am still here and writing this proves that. I am someone who will not give up on life just because things are shit. I am a person who recently discovered hope is a real thing.
That may seem obvious to some people and I want you to know you are incredibly blessed if you don’t know what hopelessness feels like. You are the type of person that I see and I want what you have.
I am not telling you this because I want your pity. If that is what you thought, please punch yourself in the throat. I just want anyone else who feels this way to know they are not alone. If just one person in the entire world reads this and it somehow helps that would be enough for me.